L.G.B.T.Q. Couples

I can group under one of those letters, but the subject of the group bores me. I don’t know if it’s because I never felt I needed a group umbrella under which I could live a validated life. I’ve faced discrimination many times as a woman in the professional workplace, but never was it related to being an “L” (or a “G”; I’m confused about the letters in this group and never know if I’m saying the letters in the right order or if I’ve left off a letter…).

When I first was coupled as an “L”, it was with a “B”, who was mostly an “L”, but was ending an extramarital affair with a man. This had me wrapped around the axle. I was not surprised about my proclivity toward being and “L” given that I only had heartbreakingly strong crushes on women. I wasn’t even thinking sex, it was the companionship, sense of humor, shared experiences and safety I felt with them. And later, yes, the sex, too. 

My first relationship was longterm and it existed before I even had a vocabulary to call it what it was or how it should be identified. It ended sadly, with both of us to blame. Toward the end of this, I had a short “You’re Cheatin’ Heart” type of an affair that I spent more time trying to get out of than I was in it. I consider it a bad “gap” year in “L” couplehood.

Then, I met my now wife; the best coupling. All of the longings of my lifelong crushes wrapped up in a spunky, sassy, hilarious, comforting and quite handsome “L” with blue eyes in which I could swim for days. Getting married to her was the best day of my life. Many “Ls” were in attendance, as well as non-“Ls”.

On balance I think the labels and alphabet soups are irrelevant. The only “L” that means anything to me is love.

IMG_8148

Pay Attention

SO, who’s Attention and why do I have to pay her? And for what? For tension? Tension should be paying me rent right now because she’s an occupant in my head. Just unadulterated tension. Tension caused by the slow heat churning up for the unbearable Texas summer. Having to cancel family trips for celebrations. Tension surrounding this whole COVID-19 wave of bereavement, fear, and lack of national leadership. How about being tense about the new adage : “if you fly, you may die”.

No more air travel for the foreseeable future. I can’t remember the last time I was without an upcoming plane reservation. I am now. Grounded. Far away from the ocean in the summertime. Tension about how I might get there? When?

I may lose adult restraint and just start driving to my northwest star. And sit on my beach at the best hour of the day, around 6 pm when the shadows start to lengthen and the pitch of the sun turns the sea into a brilliant cerulean blue. And the lilting cooler breezes begin to tickle all around you. And the sound of the waves begin to soften and the gulls get quiet and you take note of far off voices of families washing the sun, surf, and sand off of their bodies in the outdoor showers, after which you swear you’ve never felt fresher in your life.

And if the prevailing breeze is right, your olfactory senses will be amused to the point of delight with the scent of charcoal catching fire, meat sizzling on the grille and garlic being sautéed oh so gently.

At this hour, on my beach, I am blanketed by all of these. And there’s gratitude for the day, peace on the walk back to the house under majestic oak and elm trees, and anticipation for my own outdoor shower, and fresh fish on the grill with corn and tomatoes. 

These instances and their unfolding are when I feel reality in its purest form more than any other time of the year. No tension. No problems on-island. No fearful or enigmatic futuring.

Just the moment, strung on to the next moment, looking forward to another perfect day on a perfect island 30 miles out to sea that offers gifts of relaxation and serenity. Heed well, these feelings. They’re free. No payment necessary.